🏝️ GALVESTON GAZETTE —
MONDAY, MAY 12, 2025
FRONT PAGE
🚨 12 ANGRY ROWERS ARRESTED IN GALVESTON FOR DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS
UNIVERSITY Boat Club Bash Ends in Boathouse Blowout and Paddle Confiscation
GALVESTON, TX — What began as a celebratory evening following finals quickly oared off-course this past weekend as twelve members of Rice University rowing club were arrested late Saturday night after what police are calling a “synchronized display of public disturbance, paddle jousting, and unauthorized moonlight rowing.”
🍻 “We were just carb loading!”
The incident unfolded along the Galveston seawall where, according to witnesses, several rowers were seen in full unisuits singing sea shanties, attempting to race scooters, and arguing loudly about the difference between port and starboard.
“I wasn’t even that drunk,” said ‘Stroke Seat’ Lin, 21, while being escorted into a police cruiser. “I just wanted to show the locals how to properly set a boat.”
Another rower, who requested to be identified only as “7-seat Aoife,” insisted:
“They’re blowing this way out of proportion. Yes, we tried to build a human pyramid using oars and coolers, but it was a team-building exercise.”
🚓 Local Authorities Respond Swiftly
Galveston Police say they responded to multiple calls around 11:45 p.m. citing “rowing chants echoing across hotel balconies” and “one man attempting to challenge a pelican to a stare-down contest.”
According to Officer Janelle Bryant:
“Upon arrival, we witnessed several individuals attempting to race in a stolen paddle boat using broom handles and shouting something about a 2k split.”
🧃 The Rowers Speak Out
Some suspects maintain their innocence.
“We were framed,” claimed coxed pair champions Eli and Ethan. “You can’t arrest people for being passionate about boat spacing and body swing.”
Others defended the chaos:
“You think this is wild? You should’ve seen our erg test week,” laughed 6-seat Donovan, who was allegedly found holding a Gatorade jug full of unidentifiable punch.
🛶 Coach Denies Involvement, Blames Carb Loading
When reached for comment, the club coach denied knowing the full extent of the incident:
“I left them with a recovery protein shake and a curfew,” coach Derek said. “We had a film session scheduled for 8 a.m. I didn’t expect them to turn the marina into a gladiator arena.”
⚖️ Aftermath and Hearings
The twelve have been released on bond and face charges ranging from disorderly conduct to illegal use of nautical terms in public. No boats were harmed in the incident, though several rental kayaks are now mysteriously missing rudder strings.
Local businesses have already begun printing shirts reading:
“I survived the 12 Angry Rowers Riot — Galveston ‘25”
More on page A3:
Drunk Coxswains and the Rise of Maritime Mischief
Inside the Cooldown Cell: Jail Yoga for Competitive Athletes
What is "Power Ten" and Why Did They Scream It in a Waffle House?
